I hope everyone realizes by now that mindsay brings out the emoness in everyone.

But on a happier note.

My life is perfect.

I've blogged over the past couple years of how shitty everything is, how much I miss everything, the girl that could never give up.  Well after almost 2 years of being without her, I got her back, and I am the happiest person in the world.

So here's the story... a life of immaturity... from start to finish... of love lost and found... embracing my friends and throwing them away... of depression and happiness... simple and complex... dumb and brilliant... light and dark... life in the bottle and life in the sun...

A Life of Contradiction...

Everyone thinks it started in 7th grade, but they are wrong. It started at the end of the year in 6th, on an end of the year field trip. We were goin to one of those park places where you drive around and look at animals. Fun shit if you ask me. Back of the bus, I sat across from her. I never really knew her. We'd never talked. she was one of those weird smart kids that supposedly could blow up a watermelon with her mind powers. Ya I know, it was 6th grade, get off me. She was cute. She had long blonde hair, tiniest girl in the world. We never really had an introduction, we just kinda associated ourselves with each other. Someone had lip gloss that tasted good so, i'll remind you it was 6th grade, we ate it and acted like we got high lol. Ya, it's amazing what you can remember. So that's it, we ate lip gloss and acted stupid with each other, and I didn't forget it.

As cliche as it sounds, I didn't forget. Yes, I know it was 6th grade but keep reading, I'm talking about a crush here, not love. Not yet. So I never saw her for another 3 months until the next year rolled around. I was in a relationship with someone, YES I KNOW IT WAS MIDDLE SCHOOL, cause that was just the kool thing to do.

I had this friend, yes he was my best friend, funniest guy you'll ever meet, but the thing is I wasn't his best friend. His was that girl, that same blonde princess that I ate lip gloss with the school year before, we'll just call her Kaybug for the sake of the story. We were all at the High School football game: me, Kaybug, and my best friend (we'll call him Mikey). Me and Mikey were hangin out when she walked up, and yes, she was stunning. *Think like a 7th grader*. She said she was having a party, Mikey already knew of course, being her best friend, but she said I could come and she was happy about it. It made me smile. And she said I could bring the g/f, I can still talk in IM mode right?, ya?, ok. She said I could bring my g/f.

So of course we go to the party, or better yet, "group hangout", and me and Mikey are supposed to act like Good Charlotte and sing one of their songs for the entire party. Well, lip sync a song. I had a broken arm from a tragic skateboarding accident, ya I know I was a rebel, and I figured I'd look really kool. I loved attention. So that's what we did, all made up in eyeliner and everything so that we could look "punk", and I turned into the hott kid (apparently eyeliner makes you hott lol). And we performed our amazing lip syncing abilities, did I mention I'd never heard of Good Charlotte?, no?, well it's true. But that didn't stop me lol. We did it, and it was fun. Good times.

And I couldn't get her out of my head.

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So I'm gonna take time now away from the story to explain something. You have to think of most of this story as if you were that age. Like you were in those earlier years of you're life because everyone has that thing inside them that wants to scream "bullshit!" at people that say they're in love at that age or have been together for a couple months, but set those feelings aside for this story. Just listen. Relate. And remember how you used to be. Remember all those immature feelings and stupid little thoughts and keep reading.

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So now she was on my mind all the time. I started talking to her more, never by myself, I wasn't that courageous. Then one day I told my best friend, Mikey, that I like her. So he called her while I was on the phone (we'd just discovered how to three-way a phone conversation... it was the shit). And I listened as he told her how I felt. She didn't seem thrilled but she didn't seem opposed to the thought. I was in... haha.

I went over to her house the next day after school with Mikey and talked to her. She knew how I felt and she wanted to be with me too because I mean, cmon, who doesn't want a boyfriend in 7th grade? especially one that looks good in eyeliner lol. And thats how it happened. I broke up with the girl I was with (a tragic loss) and we were together.

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I've thought about that moment for the past two years. The moment I wanted to be with her. The moment I asked her. I mean, what harm could a 7th grade relationship have? It's just 7th grade, right? But god... she was perfect. I've thought about what would've happened if I just blew it off. Just forgot about it. I wonder where I'd be here today. At times I wish I would have, but I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad she became a part of my life.

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Life was simple, that's probably why I don't remember much of the little stuff. We were always together. All the time. So everything was significant. And when everything is significant, only the most significant memories stand out. In a time of perfection, that's all you remember. Perfection.

We moved slow of course, we were in 7th grade. I remember that feeling I got before I reached for her hand for the first time. That feeling where you know it's gonna happen, if you could just muster the strength to lift your nerveless hand and place it in hers. You know that she would hold it too. You know that she would embrace it. But you're still so scared.

And that feeling came on a hundred times stronger with our first kiss.

I'll always remember that feeling.

It was supposed to happen on Valentines Day. We were in the basement of one our friends house. Finding Nemo was on. Good movie, if you ask me. And we were both on the couch. Just me and her. I wanted to kiss her so many times but that feeling always stopped me. I was so scared. I was 12. What did I know about kissing? It didn't happen. I ruined it. I was scared and I ruined it.

When it did happen, it wasn't spectacular. It wasn't a fairytale kiss, but this story is far from a fairytale. We were in that same basement, different day. The next day as a matter of fact. And it was one of those "hang outs". There were tons of people there. We were all just sitting around and the spotlight was on us. We were gonna kiss for the first time and everyone was waiting for it. I think that's what gave me the courage to do it. I kissed her, if that's what youd call it. I'd call it a peck. But it happened and we go to listen to all the "oooooos" from everyone in the room. That was our first kiss. My first kiss. Her first kiss... and it was pathetic lol.

But that's not the one that mattered. Sparks never flew. The world didn't fade away. It was the one 10 minutes later. When no one was paying attention. I had the courage now. The butterflies were still there but I didn't care. I wanted to kiss her for real. I leaned in and embraced her lips in mine. And yes...

The world began to fade.

Nothing mattered but her. but sure enough... 3 seconds later... "oooo that was a long one!!!" Everyone had a laugh but we didn't care, we'll never forget it.

Life was good.

We rarely kissed after that. Every now and then we'd sneak one up on each other just to say goodbye or just because it felt right, but I'll never forget her kiss.

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Now, I realize that you're first kiss with someone, you're first real kiss, that is the perfect kiss. No other kiss can compare because you've already had the best. You're lips have been molded to that person, you've gotten used to it. Every kiss from then on seems awkward or unfitting, at least that's what it was for me with someone else. I was used to the softest lips in the world.

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Life was good. We were perfect for the next few months. The school year flew by and we were enjoying every second of it. It's sad to say that Middle School contained the happiest years of my life, but it's true. They were the happiest years of my life... because of her.

Until that night...

No one really knows how I ended up on the phone. We never really figured it out. That doesn't matter. I heard everything. She liked one of my friends. One of my friends who happens to be her best friend. No, not Mikey. We'll just call this guy Rambo (it was a football nickname, there really was no resemblance). See we kind of had a "Best Friend Square." Mine=Mikey=Kaybug=Rambo. Crazy stuff, right? Kaybug was talking to one of her friends. It was 4 a.m. I was on the phone. I heard everything. She said she was sorry. I believed it. I was hurt, but I couldn't give her up. It was a whole new ball game now. Jealousy took over.

The rest of the night I spent thinking every bad thought that I could come up with. I hated it. I hated thinking those terrible things, her kissing him, him holding her hand, but you can't just stop those thoughts from happening. My worst fear, my only fear, were my thoughts. I prayed none of them would come true. None of them did... I was luckier then. 

The rest of the year I noticed how they were always together. They were in the same homeroom (yes I know, 7th grade, gotcha) so it was easy for them. He always sat with her. She always sat with him. That crush I had on her was fueled by jealousy. I was always worried. And that's what started The Blue Book.

I know that sounds really gay and emo and shit but whatever, I don't care. The Blue Book is a blue notebook (that's for the retards) that I started writing my songs in. Yes I played guitar, or at least as good as a 7th grader could play guitar. G C D with the occasional A (that's for the guitar players out there).  I wrote everything in there. Every feeling that I ever had went into that book. I would learn later that those songs, and all those things that I wrote would help to push me to never give up on getting her back. I never wanted to regret.

It was the last day of school and the talent show came up. I was playing the guitar with my math teacher and another kid for it. (I'd started guitar in 6th grade). We played the Blitz Kreek Bop by the Ramones. Good song. When we were done, we were all at her friends house right by the school and I couldn't take it anymore. We broke up. We were together all year and it finally happened. I was too jealous. It took over.

The rest of the day was terrible. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. I missed her so much (I thought I knew what heartbreak was then... ha). I was at Mikey's house and I had to keep calling her. I called and I called until she finally picked up the phone. We were together again and it was like gasping fresh air after being choked near unconsciousness. It felt good.

The memory of the next few weeks is faded, but somewhere along the line, I fucked up. I was at Mikeys house with another girl, she wanted to do stuff. I remember the feeling, my hormones raging, and I called Kaybug to end it. She didn't answer.

Everyone thinks something happened that night between me and that girl. The truth, nothing really did. She rubbed my stomach. I understand that isn't something you would want to happen if the roles were switched and I did feel bad for it. I didn't tell Kaybug why, but we broke up that night. I hurt her again.

A month passed and we still talked here and there, when one day she called me and asked if I wanted to go down to "the river" with her. "the river" is referring to the Ohio River where her parents had a place. I said ok. I didn't know it would be so amazing.

The time we spent at The River is what I would refer to as the start of our love. Ya, I know, Love in 7th grade? I'm talking about puppy love. That was where it started. We spent the days on the boat with her family having fun, sitting on the beach, playful swimming. And the nights, we just laid there on our towels. She would lie on her stomach with her face towards mine. I would lie on my back. I would tickle her back until she fell asleep, then her mom would come to tell us it's time to go to bed. We took walks for miles, just flirting and enjoying each others smiles. I love her smile. It's one of those smiles that makes you want to smile. It was contagious, made me weak at my knees. And her laugh... it made my heart do a two-step.  It lit up the room... it lit up the dark.

I love The River. I remember it like it was yesterday.

When we got back, we talked on the phone till the sun came up (love the cliches). We were back together.

We were together for the next month until one night at a friends "hang out". I just up and ended it. No reason. I just felt like it was right. Immaturity. It's a bitch right? I wish I would've known how much I hurt her.

We didn't talk much. Here and there we did. But not really. Rambo told me that he liked her and I told him he should ask her out. They were still best friends. She thought about it for a few days and said no.

I was pissed.

I was pissed for one reason, and one reason only. All the shit she put me through in 7th grade was because she liked him so much. I was constantly paranoid and jealous because of it. And then she has the chance to be with him and she doesn't do it. So why the fuck did she do that to me? That's why I was mad. That's why I started talking shit about her.

And we hated each other.

And by hate, I mean we hated each other in public. To everyone else, we hated each other. But I didn't really hate her and she didn't really hate me. Just another immature game. I still had feelings for her and she still had feelings for me. It was just easier to be mad at each other than nice when we weren't together. But it didn't last long. We said our "sorrys" and "it's ok" and it was done. We were friends again within the month. And things were good for a while. We both knew how we felt but never really said it. I thought she'd be there forever. I thought I had her forever. Until he came into the picture.

Let's just call him Weav. He was one of my friends and on of my fellow football athletes. We were the kool kids in Middle School, so we all associated with each other. But he started to have feelings for her. At one of Kaybug's "hang outs" we played truth or dare. Yep, I know, 8th grade right? But when she had to kiss him, I felt everything inside of me twist and try to suck my heart through my chest. And she did. She kissed him. God it hurt.

But worse than that. They started to like each other. I had to do something.

So I brought myself back into the picture, right? I mean, if I'm not with her no one can be, right? So the love triangle started. With many truth or dares, and might I say, I hate that game now. So this was it. She liked me and Weav. How can it end?

I remember one night specifically. We were all in his basement, yes one of those "hang outs", and yes, it was truth or dare. Weav was dared to feel her up. My eyes got wide. I don't remember who made the dare but I'm positive that I thought of several ways to kill them at that moment. I watched as much as I could and left the room. I wanted to leave. I wanted to die. I thought I knew pain.

But I got her back.

We were in a program at our school called model U.N. and we went on a field trip to a hotel and do the whole thing. U.N. is gay, but I didn't care cause I mean I got to miss school and spend time with my friends, and of course... her. We were always together. We always sat with each other. And when the dance came around. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I got her back. I was so happy.

We did stuff and moved fast. Over the next few months we were happy. But the end of the school year was arriving. We got a new girl at our school, we'll just call her SurferGirl. SurferGirl hooked up with Weav and everything was good. Somewhere towards the end of the year, me and Kaybug broke up. Once again, I don't remember how or why, but it was my doing. I hurt that girl so many times. The summer began and Weav broke up with SurferGirl.

Me and SurferGirl became good friends. Then one day, she told me she liked me. I gradually accepted it and decided that I liked her too. We were together. I didn't really see much of Kaybug. I didn't really talk to her. Two weeks into the relationship with SurferGirl, we broke up. When I decided that I wanted to be with her again, she turned me down. And I do believe that is why I wanted her so bad.

I'd never been rejected.

My life began to revolve around her. I tried everything I could to be with her but it just wouldn't work. I didn't love her. I know that now. I just didn't know how to deal with rejection. And that's when I began drinking.

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Ya, I know what you're thinkin. Drinkin at the age of 14, that's retarded, that's stupid. Ya, it was. But I honestly looked to drinking as a way to ease pain. I was always drunk. Always. I would drink alone, under a bridge only a football field away from my house. As a way to forget. And in a way, it seemed to blind me more. Kaybug was always there. Throughout everything, all my complaining about SurferGirl, everything. She was there. She still had feelings for me and I just complained about myself. She was so good to me. I needed to be loved and she showed it. She gave me all the love she could ever give. She gave me her heart, and I clung to it. I abused it and used it, but I held on. 

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One night I was at a friends. His mom was gone for the weekend so I was staying with him. Kaybug was staying at a friends too and she said she'd come over to hang out. She did. As we sat there on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, I felt that love. My friend left the room and I turned to her. We kissed. Passionately.

Things slowly escalated and things got out of control. We were in my friends room by ourselves. At 14 years old, we lost our virginity. That same girl that I met in 6th grade on that bus, that same girl that I couldn't get out of my head, that same girl who I first kissed in that unfinished basement... that girl was my first. And I was hers.

That is when things began to go to shit. After that night, I didn't talk to her for a month. School started and we didn't really speak. I wasn't being a douche bag or a dick, I wasn't a player or nething I mean, c'mon, I was 14 years old. I was scared to death. We weren't supposed to have sex, but it happened. And it may have ruined us.

I continued my drinking and most of the beginning of freshman year is a blurr. But when christmas came up, Kaybug had a science project and it required us all to stay over at her house. It was about sleep deprivation. It was that night that I laid with her, I kissed her, I wanted to be with her again. And so we were. We were together again.... but I was long since gone. I was a different person. I was a dick, a retard, and immature. The trio from hell. I treated her badly. I didn't give her the attention she deserved. I didn't love her like I should have. But I did love her. I hurt her so much.

The next few months went as well as could be expected with my state of being. We only had sex a few times, even though everyone insisted that I was only using her for sex. Fuckin morons. Winter grew and February rolled around. Kaybug insisted that I meet her longtime friend Gabbs. They came over and we hung out and I'm not gonna lie, Gabbs was a head-turner. We watched T.V. and played strip poker (I'm terrible at poker). I admit there was some attraction toward her and once they left, I told Mikey. He insisted that I had to tell Kaybug, that I was obligated to. I thought it was stupid. Sexual attraction is nothing compared to what me and Kaybug had, even as fucked up as I was mentally, with my hot headed self.

Before I continue, I wanna relay a good memory. Yes, there was a good memory in all of this. It was the homecoming dance, the winter one, and I was with her. Despite me being a douche bag before the dance, saying I wasn't going to go, we got lost in the moment. The slow song played, I wish I could remember which one, but as it played, we swayed gracefully from side to side. I held her tighter and I felt her hands around my neck tighten. She looked up and I looked into those beautiful amber eyes and we kissed. We really kissed. The world faded just like our first, and I remember feeling that I wanted to stay in that moment forever. Possibly the only perfect moment in our relationship then, and I loved it... and I was about to throw it all away.

I told her.

She cried. She ran away. She bawled for hours. I felt like a piece of shit. How could this happen? Things were blown out of proportion and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for ever feeling anything for Gabbs. Kaybug hated me. She loved me, she always had, and I broke her heart. I ripped it from her chest a smashed it into a thousand pieces.

I'll never forgive myself for that.

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Let's take a break from the story if you're still with me. Something changed that night. I did something to her. She became a different person. And I sunk lower than I've ever sunk in my life. I fell from the top of the world to the shit on your shoes. She was shot down from her dreamworld and thrown straight into hell. What I failed to mention is that Mikey has had feelings for Kaybug since the 5th grade. But she never felt nething for him more than just a friend. In-between our relationships, he had several short ones with her. I always took her away. I think he always secretly hated me for it. It's amazing how the world can overturn. How everything can be thrown back in your face. It has a sick way with vengeance... you'll see.

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The next few months were awkward. She slowly began to forgive me. But the damage was done. I wouldn't forget it. And neither would she.

We gave it one final shot. One final chance at happiness. But this was it. This was either the end or the start of forever after. The end of Freshman year we dated once again. Once again I stole her away from Mikey. It was shortlived. She talked to me. She was ending it this time, but she wanted me to stop her. I knew she wanted me to stop her. I could've changed it all with one word, one action. But I didn't. I think about that day, how I could've saved two years of pain. But I didn't. I didn't stop her. And it was over. It was over and she was with him. Mikey. My best friend.

And the world overturned.

It was worse when I found out about them having sex. Two weeks into their relationship and they did it. It hurt. But I could never show it. I had to finally set things right. I had to make up for everything I'd done. I had to let them be happy because I'd hurt them both so many times before.

And I drank.

I drank, and I drank, and I drank that entire summer. I tried relationships with a couple people, but I got fucked over. Finally, it was my turn to get hurt. I never talked to Kaybug. All summer I never talked to her. I saw her a couple times when I was with Mikey but we never spoke. I disconnected myself from all my friends. I made new ones. I tried to have a different life. And when school started again for our sophomore year, I was miserable. I didn't fit in with my friends anymore. I grew my hair out. I tried to be numb. Numb to everything. But I had to see her everyday. I still loved her.

But they were so happy.

I bottle it up. I bottled it up and drank. It continued until February of that year. I'd been fucked over by a couple more girls. Once again, just getting paid back for the pain I'd caused. I didn't really have feelings for them, I was just tired of being lonely. I wasn't good at it.

I remember many times when I was with Mikey that I felt like a hypocrite. I loved his girlfriend. My ex. They were happy and I knew I couldn't say anything. It was a struggle between right and wrong.  I loved them both. I want to make that clear. Their happiness meant the world to me... But I was selfish. Me being miserable was hell. I couldn't keep up the charade.

That February, I started to talk to her. Just as friends. We talked and talked about everything. I had to bite my tongue. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her that I still loved her... but I did. On one of those nights that we talked until 4 in the morning, I told her that I loved her. And she said that she loved me too. The first sign of relief in almost a year. It felt good. It felt right. I was happy.

Until she told him.

She told Mikey. Her boyfriend. My best friend. She told him everything that I said. Everything that he said. And the world fell apart.

"I told him and I want you to know that I never want to talk to you again. I hate you for everything you've done to me. I can't believe you would try to break me and him up. I hate you."

"Woody, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me. Everything bad that's happened in my life can be traced back to you. You've always hurt me. That's all you've ever done. And now that you're not with me, you're trying to break my heart again, only this time you're doing it through Mikey. So congratulations woody, you've broken my heart yet again."

"How could you do that to me man? I love her. You're doing it all over again, just like you did before. How could you do this to me?"

As all the words fell into place, I began to hate myself more and more. I hated myself for ever hurting her. I hated myself for telling her I still loved her. But mostly, I hated myself because I destroyed my own life, that I had sunk so low that I couldn't pick myself back up.

I didn't go to school for the rest of the week.

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I had nothing left. There was nothing left for me. I was a drunk. Alone. Friendless. And the girl I loved hated me. At least that's what I thought. I learned later that Mikey had told her to say those things to me. That she really didn't want to. But it hurt all the same. Do you know what that's like? When the person you care about most says all those things to you? It kills. It makes you suicidal. It makes you drink.

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I did everything I could to keep her thinking about me. Mikey forgave me, but there was still tension between us. Those unspoken "I hate you's" lingered in the air whenever we were together.. Then one day, she talked to me.

We started to talk again. And I asked her to come to my track meet. It was reaching the end of the school year and I had MSL's. She came. We talked. We hung out. Kaybug and Mikey took a break.

I was sitting outside with her in her yard just talking. Ya, I know, Sophomores sitting in the grass and talking, that's the kool thing to do lol. But there we were. I flirted with her. She flirted back. I poked her sides like I've always done just to make her jump. And she fell into my arms. For the first time in a year, I held her.

She still fit.

It was a quick 5 seconds of heaven before she said she had to move, but I could sense in her voice that she didn't want to. We kept talking, I thought I was finally going to get her back. She didn't believe that I loved her. I had to prove it. I had to come up with the most romantic gesture in human history to get her back.

And I did.

I wrote a note that said "Stay Near You're Window At Midnight Friday Night And Listen" and broke it into five pieces. One piece for each day that I saw her at school. With each piece, I gave her a note of my favorite memories with her. When friday rolled around. I came to her window (it was beneficial that one of my friends happened to be her neighbor) and threw pebbles at it. CLICHE out the ass, I know, but if one person's done it best then you can't do any better than that. And I held a boombox over my head with the Wonderwall by Oasis blairing from it.

It wasn't perfect. I had it turned up too loud and it skipped a couple times but hey, dont' be hatin. She came down and we sat on her porch. And there I gave her a scrap book that I made her of our life. Of all the times we were together. Of all the times I missed her. She said it was perfect. That Night was perfect.

Two days later, she was with him again.

She told me she couldn't talk to me nemore. That she was sorry. I didn't care. I was too upset to care. I hated myself. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. How I could fix it. But nothing came.

I never gave up.

Those unspoken words that lingered between me and Mikey became real. We grew apart. He hated me for everything I'd done. I hated him for taking her away from me. It's always easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility. I was in hell.

She started talking to me again at the beginning of the summer. I spent a few nights on her deck. Her and Mikey were on a break. We just laid there on her deck. I held her. We looked at the stairs. It was a perfect moment. I never wanted it to end. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted to be with her again.

A few days later, she was with him again.

I drank. I went to myrtle beach with a couple friends and I drank. I was always drunk. I couldn't get her out of my head. She called me from her friends house while I was drunk and told me how there was an entire baseball team of guys there. She just wanted to piss me off. There wasn't.

I was drunk so I called Mikey. I hadn't talked to Mikey for a few months. I had lost my best friend. I don't blame him. I told him. I told him to do something. He talked to her. She texted me.

"I Hate You"

I drank some more. I drank the entire next day. And that night, I called her bawling my eyes out. The first time I cried since I lost a wrestling match in 8th grade. I wailed and told her I would fix everything. I told her I would make it all better. I called Mikey and told him how sorry I was. That I never meant to hurt him. That I would stay out of their lives from now on. We hung up. I called her. I told her I loved her. I told her I always would. I told her I was sorry. She had to go. Michael was calling.

Music was playing...

Lookin back

On the memory of

The dance we shared

Beneath the stars above

For a moment

All the world was right

How could I have known

That you'd ever say goodbye

Saddest song in the world. And I drank.

I didn't talk to them. I tried to stay away. It was easy in the summer. I could disconnect myself.

I tried to move on. Just like Kaybug always told me to. She said I would find someone so much better than her to spend the rest of my life with, but nothing beats perfection.

I found a girl. She was nice. I didn't have much feeling for her. She eased the sting of loneliness. I was with her for the rest of the summer. Before school began, Kaybug talked to me again. I couldn't help but talk to her too. She asked if I still loved her, I said I did. That I always would.

It's so true.

The girl that I had went to OU and cheated on me. We broke up. I was alone again. Kaybug would talk to me every now and then, give me hope and tear it away just like that. Over and over. I was so numb. I was used to it. The hope I had seemed to crumble with every blow. Withering away. I was losing it all. The Blue Book kept me going.

It continued for a few more months, till sometime before new years. Juniors in high school. She was talking to me. Her and Mikey were broken up. She was at my house and we were just flirting with each other. She wouldn't kiss me. I knew that. But out of instinct, I landed a peck on her lips as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I said I was sorry. I really didn't mean to. And then we really kissed. Our first kiss in a year and a half. It was marvelous. We spent New Years together. She would hang out with me and Mikey. She said she wasn't doing anything with him.

She lied.

There were nights where she said we couldn't be together. I fought it. I fought it so hard. I was so close. I almost had her back. I wasn't going to lose her. She promised to go to homecoming with me. She didn't.

She went with him.

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Now I would like to point out that since me and kaybug were talking, I stopped drinking. I had constantly been sober. I broke my bad habits. I did everything for her. I stopped hanging out with bad influences. I stopped flirting. I was becoming who I am supposed to be.

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The day before homecoming, she called me and told me that she was back with him. That it was over. I died. I lost grip of reality, of who I was supposed to be, and became the person I had been for the past two years. I drank before homecoming. I showed up and made her as jealous as possible. I didn't do nething with neone. Just enough to make her jealous.

But it made her cry.

She told me how much she hated me, that she didn't want nething to do with me. I'd heard it all before. I was drunk. I fought back. I fought back with everything that she did to me. And I was ready to give her up. Drunk on my couch, alone, I was going to give it all up. We fought with everything we had. Everything we'd done to each other. Every single painfully memory was brought to life. 

But she apologized.

And so did I.

Her and Mikey broke shortly after homecoming. And she started talking to me. Seriously talking to me for the first time. I thought I had her, not like before when I thought I had her. I truly thought I got her back. I went to the movies with a friend, the day had been normal. A normal Friday night. We saw Cloverfield. My phone rang a couple times in the movie theatre but I didn't wanna check it. I'm glad I didn't. I would have left the movie and wandered until was somewhere where no one could find me. When I got out of the movie, I looked at the text.

"I had sex with Mikey on Monday and Thursday"

She found out that I lied about how many girls I had sex with. That was what this was about. That and keeping him happy. Keeping him happy, god I'd heard her say that so many times. How many times did my heart have to break before he was fucking happy? How many times did I have to die inside before she was satisfied? Had I not been paid back enough for all the pain I caused? Did I deserve more? Was I supposed to be pushed to the point that I killed myself? I don't know how you would feel if you heard the person you loved say that she'd fucked someone else. All while you were supposed to be getting her back. It tore me apart in a way I can't even describe. I Truly... Wanted... To... DIE.

I had only lied about having sex with one person. One person only. And it was a long time ago. So she fucked him. She fucked Mikey and told me that she's been fucking him the entire time. I lost my mind. I cried. I cried hard. I cried to her. I said I was sorry for lying but she didn't care. She said things. Things that made me cry more.

She could never be that mean in person.

Which is why I had her come over the next day to talk about it. We did. Things were better. She said she loved me. I said I loved her. I had to forgive her for everything. I couldn't lose her.

And that's where I am.

I have her.

She's mine again. After all the pain. After all the hurt. She loves me, and I love her. Something changed in her when we talked. I don't know if she knows I can tell, but I truly believe her. I trust her after everything. There's something about her, in the way that she smiles, in the way that she laughs, in the way that she looks at me, that reassures me of her love.

I'm finally happy.

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This is a really long story and it's taken me about 4 hours to type it all so I probably left things out. I wish I could've made it sound better. I wish I could've used more words to capture the feeling of it. But I'm not so good with words. That's the story. The story of my life. And it all revolves around her. I hope she knows how much I love her. How much I never want to let her go. How much I never want to lose her again. That she's the world to me.

I had hurt my best friend. I tore his heart out. I lost him. I got hurt all the same. In the same ways. I had hurt the love of my life. I tore her heart out. I got hurt all the same. The heart torn from my chest as well, so many times. That was the world overturning. That is the contradiction in this story. The happiness and despair. The top of the world and the depths of hell.

My advice to everyone... hold on to the one that you love. Even during hard times or when you think things could get better. Hold onto her or him. Never let go because if you're happy, it's not worth it to try to find more. There isn't anything more. Happiness is everything and it's not worth it to lose it all and have the world turn against you. It's so much better when the weight of the world favors you.

I grew up. I've become different people. But I'm proud of who I am now. Without her. Without everything that's happened, I wouldn't be who I am. Love truly does exist. And I love that girl. She always fought me on fate vs. free will. She says that fate exists. I say that it's all free will. But I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe everything did happen for a reason. Maybe all the pain prepared me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure. I'm not so sure about anything. But I am sure that I love her. I'm sure that I'm happy. I'm sure that my life is perfect, and I could never ask for more.

My Life Is Perfect

Love's a cold and broken hallelujah

So... i got arrested last night... that was fun... underage consupmtion's a bitch... i still miss her more than anything... and it's just getting harder... finding out that she doesn't care about me at all... in the end i guess i really did get thrown out of her life... and it hurts...

i still miss her

So she deleted her mindsay... and that's shitty... because it was basically the last connection i had to her... the only way i could be a part of her life... but she's gone again... at least i know she won't ever see what i write in here... and how i write it to nobody because no one gets on here... so now i'm just some lunatic that talks to himself through his computer... whoopin gay

today it hit me real hard... her being gone... and i've said that i know it's over about a hundred times but the truth is it's really never over for me... she lies to herself to make herself feel better... that i'm gonna be fine and shit... but she doesn't know what she's done to me... i waste my life drinking alcohol, smoking, dipping, hating school, hating life, and hating my future... that's what she's done to me... and that's all i'm gonna be... so maybe now she won't complain the next time she feels like being my friend, 8, 10 months from now... she can't say that i didn't miss her because from this day on i'm gonna say that i do on this blog shit

I am Jack's wasted life

ok

so i'm sorry for what i've done in the past... and i'm sorry that it affects things now... and i'm sorry that when i'm face to face with you, i can't defend myself...

ya, i fucked up...

i get that...

ya it affects your judgement now...

but i wasn't as bad as everyone makes me out to be... they all think of me and you and say, "ya, woody fucked that up... he treated her like shit." so maybe i fucked up for a month of us being together... 1) being a dick at homecoming... 2) not being there for you....

but i wasn't always fucking like that...

i've treated you like a princess before... so maybe it ended badly a couple times... but i never fucking got over you... i was never over you... and i knew you were never over me... i had a lot of fucking growing up to do and i'm sorry i wasn't up to your standards then... and i've fucking grown up... i've changed... you know it... and so does everyone else... so don't say the past repeats itself when it's still in the fucking past... it's done... i've been a good person... i've tried... to everyone... except to him, but that's because i was willing to throw away a best friend for you... and i did throw away everything for you... i haven't been with another girl in so long because you don't like the thought of me with someone else... well try being me and knowing what's going on... you can assume and accuse and fuckin criticize everything... every girl that's within a mile of me... go ahead... because i'll never say nething to back myself up... o i try... but you and i both know that i'll always lose the argument... and i don't like to argue in the first place... because i hate to make you feel nething less than complete happiness... so i'm sorry for trying to be with you... i'm sorry for being in love with you... i'm sorry for quitting bad habits for you... i'm sorry for giving you a week long puzzle... i'm sorry for giving you that book... i'm sorry for standing outside your window at half past midnight with that song... and you know why?... because "everything bad that's happened in your life can be traced back to me"... this is not me giving up... this is me saying i now understand that this is my life... a cycle of hell... a life without you... i'm not giving up... i can't... i'm in love with you... and that's why i go through this hell... but i just thought i'd let you know, it fuckin hurts...

it fucking hurts...

So

Now

We

Sit

Like

Kings

Amongst

This...

The

Crowd's

Gone

So

Speak

To

Me